We have all been in the place where we look at the relationships around us and wonder what they have that we do not. Cognitively we are understanding of the fact most people are going to fight and many people are going to lie and say they do not. I want consistency, continuity, and constant growth. Without these three motivators I would be nothing. I would not have the ability to grow into my person. I allow myself to fill the cracks in my soul, heart, and psyche with gold therefore beautifying the hurt and pain. I want to continue to move forward when I feel scattered or misunderstood. I want that infinite peace. I want “constant” not to be a word of urgency forcing me to feel tired, but I want it to be trying. I want the ability to make ripples in this life, but when you are in a toxic relationship(s) you are not allowing yourself to flourish.
You can have these relationships in the work place, friendships, romantically, and other diverse situations. They can beat you down and scare you into submitting to something you are not. As we grow up we can find these relationships within the unstable mind of a person not ready to be romantically involved. I have had many friends come to me with, “I saw so and so we kissed had a great time, he told me we could have a great relationship. I woke up the next morning no text, no call, just absence.” Yet they keep going back to that situation.
I have had even more friends complain about the way their significant other talks to them. They use hurtful language with the goal to hurt the other person. It brings tears and feeling of unworthiness. In truth I have been here before. The pressure to be perfect in the eyes of your partner because if you do not you are walking on eggshells. If you point out a flaw in how they acted you become the person at fault. At work it could be subtle passive aggressive comments or actions dictating a workplace that just feels crummy when you walk in.
Ladies and Gentlemen another thing is when you are not open and honest about what you want and leave room for interpretation you are failing yourself. Have that conversation regardless of how you think you may feel. Because in the end when you do not they have that as a security blanket, “Oh Molly I did not know you felt that way about me nor that we were committed to one another.”
That is a game we all play in our youth and their is no room for it as we age. People who do that are consistently going to let you down.
There are 8 simple signs that you are in a toxic relationship.
- Control: The person that you are with is trying to control who and what you are allowed to do as a person in a way that makes you feel threatened. Perhaps they are checking your emails, scrolling through your phone, using social media to attack friends or family members that seem to close to you. This can even mean in relationships she/ he shows up to your work, school, or home unannounced. Perhaps it was cute when they were bringing you coffee or food then it begins to be like probation.
- Criticism: When the person begins to call you names like ugly, stupid, or expletives that demean your character that is a point when we need to reconsider that relationship. I am not talking the type of criticism that a sister or parent or best friend may give you like “Maybe you should stop seeing Dan because he is treating you like garbage,” or “You are the only person who is holding you back!” That type encourages us to be a better version of ourselves. This type of damaging critic tries to make you solely dependent on them and what they think of you and begins to edge you away from people you were once close with.
- Sabotage: Perhaps you have a huge event coming up and a friend tells you they are emotionally breaking down. They make you miss the event because you are spending to much time on that passion. It ends up with you resenting them and it makes you miss a good opportunity. You start neglecting other things that are important to you. For instance suicide or depression using that to make you feel like they are a danger to themselves. It is not a funny think to mess around with, but if they use it as this get them immediate help. Do not hesitate to call 911 or the cops to get them that help. Yet you are not in control of that individuals actions. Sabotaging your life is not healthy.
- Isolation: My research has taken me down a path of understanding isolation forcing you to be alone from friends, family, and other important people in your life so you only have them to depend on. This can cause depression and this makes you completely alone. This is not safe for anyone and this should not be a part of your relationship ever. When this happened to me it was too late for me to recognize warning signs. I was not in a violent relationship nor did he try to hurt me with words, but he did manifest toxicity with the way he would isolate me.
- Intensity: This is the stage where the person is constantly and over the top with you. Almost obsessing with you. This is not going to be an easy stage to get through because the person can come off as a sweet and understanding then it gets to intense and you neglect to see it.
- Jealously: This manifests in many ways from irrational anger to defending actions of sneaking through your stuff. Perhaps they get mad when your girl friends send you a cute picture of Justin Trudeau. Or men perhaps she uses her words to threaten your relationship with breaking up, or just leaving when you talk to any other female besides her. This proves that you can be insecure. For me I am a jealous type person, but the difference with me is I am upfront when I am having those insecurities to allow my partner to understand what triggers it and how I am having a lapse in good judgement.
- Blame: This is a point where you begin to feel like you are always the one to blame and they victimize themselves to gain a leg up over you. They blame everyone else and the world for their rage and they take it to the extremes.
- Rage: Anger causes us to do stupid things like call our friends “bitches” and our husbands “assholes.” We use language that creates a release for us. But say you drop some popcorn on the floor and there is instant rage coming from your partner. Perhaps they are always picking fights with you regardless of where you are. This is not okay and not healthy. In fact I think this is the most annoying sign of toxicity in a relationship because its generally so deep within them.
These are my 8 reasons that I have sort of stumbled across in my life and are overarching in a lot of places. I know there is much more to say, but I felt those are ones that can be all over the board in many types of relationships.