Palm Sunday and My Heart Now

I always love Holy Week its a time where culture and religion come together and you see many new faces at your local church. Do you attend church? I did for a very long time. I just attended and went through the motions. Sometimes church was just not that interesting so I would sit outside in the world just waiting for something amazing to come alongside me and give me life.

I guess what I am trying to say is I was just like those Jewish people in the bible. I was expecting my Jesus to come on a stallion and save me that way. I was expecting something amazing I guess. I just wanted to feel like the God I was serving was powerful enough.  Well God is is amazing ways showed me yesterday just about how amazing he truly is. I was sitting in church at City Bible a church I had always seen from the freeway and I never knew what it was. I was sitting there waiting for my friend to be baptized when my heart started stirring a little bit.

“They [I} didn’t expect it.”

The pastor is talking right now.  He was speaking right to me. They did not expect God to Just move in like that. Now they expected this great king to come down and get rid off all the enemy soldiers and earth would be restored. I thought that about my life,  I thought this life was going to be easy. I thought life was going to be great. I thought Christianity meant something different. I did not expect him to save me all the way before I cleaned myself up and buried myself before the throne.

“They [I] didn’t want it.”

I wanted a God who I could get to know just a little bit. He gave me this picture. You see when I first approached God I was nervous and little scared. All I wanted to know about what how much he loved me and wanted to be around me. Sort of like the Dad I felt like I never had. The awkward one with all the pictures of his kids in seriously terrible outfits and he just goes around showing people. My dad had this dorky photo of us three girls and I am sure its still the same. He loves me. I just go around singing, ‘He loves me.” Then the not so fun part happens he goes, “Hey Molly.” I am like, “Yes Abba.” (Forgetting his other names El Roi: God who Sees.) He goes, ” I noticed that you do not know your limits, you would rather lay idle instead of talk to me, you abandoned your church so that you could stay up late and go to that one party, You want to talk about that boy…” Then I go, “Hell No.” The opposite way I run. Like are you kidding me, I reply after I already know hes never left and I am just ignoring him, “So yeah I want to talk about this. I want to talk about my sadness, and the feelings of addiction I have over these areas of my life. The mistakes I made and never told anyone.” He goes “I took them..” When I start to protest to tell him that I can do better he just tenderly speaks to me (Hosea taught me this that book is what the young ones call BAE). He goes, “You do not ever have to let another judge you, mistake you, come against, save you, clean you, or change you because I can do that. I am making you new.” I forgot my favorite name of his Jehovah Rapha the God who heals. Then and there I felt what I had been white knuckle holding on to fall out before him and he took it and I know that their is freedom from that. The final part, so far we have God loves us, God heals and changes us through Jesus’ work on the cross taking our sins, and finally we have God says, “I want you to be mine for good, nobody else.” So he called me into baptism an outward show of my inward devotion (pretty sure I got that from Jeff Seavey or someone else who has taught me over these years.) I am sinful by nature my flesh is wrapped up in this earth, but I will tell you what from this day forward I will strive to walk hand in hand with my Savior and pour all my needs out at his feet. I am done trying to live life according to who I once was.

” They [I] got what they didn’t deserve.”

This Palm Sunday did remind me that I got what I never deserved in Christ Jesus. Jesus gets to reside within me, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation (law), nor will people say, “here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:20-21. Jesus could have stayed in heaven apart from us and hung out with the Angels but instead he stepped down to Earth humbly (we learned about that at Christmas) and he rescued us. GOD DID THIS SO MANY TIMES FOR ISRAEL. Like he sent prophet after prophet and they still went wandering off into the wilderness. Oh he is talking right to my messed up heart. I know the truth and I feel like wandering away. I mean “drunken nights make the best memories” was written across a friends photo. I thought I remember when you wake up the next day and you feel like crap and your head hurts and you are a grump. I mean living in Washington I was like weed seems like a healthier option, which just made me more sad. I was like this little green thing will make me feel happy, then it bugged my nose and it made my head spin. I never really liked that. So I chose boys, they were good for a while. Then you think you are in love and the physical is blended with the emotions and your body is the wreckage. A kid in my class said, “We need more sexual freedom to get to know ourselves.” I remember that sexual freedom you know what it said to me: “You are no good,” “You need to look like her,” “I wonder if he said the same things to her,” or “Does this mean he loves me and we will never separate.” That was until the numbness sets in and the rawness breaks away and you forget that person is a person. Perhaps I air all my dirty laundry right now and everyone in my life abandons me. Perhaps I tell you my worst sins and you judge me. Perhaps I am vulnerable because I have not been in a long time. Perhaps when you see me next time I talk about Jesus and one time you saw me at a party. Yet this party, this time I don’t have anything but the Holy Spirit on me. This time I am completely healed. I gave it all away (again.) I realized that running away from the Creator of the Universe is a lot more useless then oil in water. So I will tell Mary and Molly I’ll never need them to party. I will never need anything again because I have the bread of life, the El Shaddai the All Sufficient One, Elohim the Mighty Creator, AND Jesus Christ. But before you through your hands up just remember that I am still human. I am going to mess up, get mad, get angry, probably even hurt someone, and I am sorry. I apologize on behalf of any Christian who ever hurt you, but I plan to follow the real Jesus.


What a beautiful name it is, the Name of Jesus.


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