So you loved him. You really loved him and he broke your heart. Or maybe he shattered your trust or you broke up with him because you were really, really angry with him after a fight. Perhaps he told you a secret or a story that made you jealous and you just cannot fathom being with him anymore. Break ups hurt, love is pain. When we love it is a physically ailment. You give your all to someone and then it ends abruptly and you have to fight to regain a footing. Maybe you miss sleeping in the same bed with your partner although she takes up half the bed and mumbles all night long. Maybe you miss the way he grooms himself in the mirror taking way to long (it surprises you because you were done thirty minutes before him).
The types of break ups that I have been through are the following. I was engaged to a man for nearly a year. Thankfully it ended, because I was not ready for marriage. I was ready to move out of the life I had created for myself. He was my first love and my first everything. He was a sweet guy who I was pretty compatible with. Then it became a war. Who was I allowed to see, what church was I allowed to go to, and what time do I need to be home from work. So one day I made the mistake of up and leaving it all. I ran away from the responsibility that I had to that man and left. No break up conversation. Nothing. I simply cut myself off from him. In this I broke his heart and his trust. After a few months of avoiding a conversation with him I saw the truth of who he was. He was loving and kind, but we wanted things totally different. I saw the world as a map that I could put a pin in anywhere, and he saw Battle Ground as the only place to be. He saw a small loving community and a stay at home wife, I saw new languages and multiple children that were not mine.
Next I date this guy as a rebound and we just hung out and did the normal dating thing. He told me all of his hopes and dreams and I acted like I was interested. We met at school and we thought that it would be “fun.” Fun turned into me yet again running away from commitment. I did not want face the reality of my issues so I pushed it on him. After that I again stopped talking to him and ran away. (Are you seeing a pattern?) I was not ready to face my issues.
The next time I dated someone seriously it was an accident. It was really not supposed to happen and I was not meaning to look for anyone. You guessed it I ran away again from the issues that I was facing. I ran to alcohol and I ran to other self-medicating practices. Occasionally I would take breaks from this person and see others. Then we would come back to each other like dogs. Needing the emotional support- or the warm body. Then I ran again – seriously this is a pattern that I am learning about. I get to close to someone and before they hurt me I bounce. Commitment is not my friend.
Now I am working on the healing part of the plan. How do I get to know myself better? So today I will begin saying “I love you” to myself when I wake up and before I lay my head to sleep. I will begin to talk to myself with love instead of winding myself up into a catastrophe. I think that I will call this a man fast. The last time I tried one of these it ended with me dating someone and breaking up with them and returning to them. As you recall this is not the best thing to do. You can love a person, but be horribly wrong for them.
So the steps of healing as I have learned them are call up your girlfriends and tell them how you feel. They are probably way more put together than you are right now with your eyelashes on your cheekbones and your lipstick on your teeth. They will listen and ex bash with you and you will feel better. Then you can move on to writing about the break up and everything you loved about it and everything that went wrong. Hopefully you will learn from this, because it took three times for me to actually learn from this. I sort of restarted this awkward process after realizing that my life would make a pretty good romantic comedy. I would be the star actress played by Hailee Steinfeld because she is bad ass. I would like to be a typical girl and say get some wine and bitch at a romantic comedy- but do not drink when you are sad. You are not super woman and it will affect you poorly. Instead maybe go out and dance with your friend. This is not a good time to hook up with that hot guy you met on Tinder. You are raw from a break up and that is a stupid mistake to make when you are sad.
During this time focus on loving yourself independently of anyone else. You only need to impress yourself. Try reading a book I recommend “The Girl on the Train” you will see why at the end (the movie is shitty I hear so do not watch that in place of the book.) Also turn on some empowering girl music that does something satisfactory for you. Cry if you want in a bathtub filled with candles. Listen to Lil Wayne through the years and laugh at how terrible his lyrics have gotten. Memorize a rap “Sucker for Pain” if you are a Wayne enthusiast or memorize something from Drake. I hear he has got some good repetitive lines for you shy ones.
Singleness is supposed to be a time of working on yourself. I think that is what I am trying to do right now. Work on myself- that means going to therapy and telling the truth. That means getting my butt up out of bed and eating a proper meal. That means taking my medications and staying on track with mental health. For me it also means seeking out options for what truly makes me happy instead of wallowing in my self-pity which is easy when you are sad. Also I would like to start saying I am practicing the art of not giving a shit. Not the like piss off type where you do not value others words of affirmation or advice. The type where you hear someone out and filter it through your system of “is this worth it.” If it does not help you, it is not worth storing in your mind. You have other things to deal with and you are a Warrior. A bad ass, single warrior who don’t need no man. You have all the independent thought you need.