Today I woke up and thought to myself, “I feel sparkly.” This is how I describe myself in depression. On the days I feel sparkly is when these glittering slivers of hope slip into my peripheral vision and I think selah. I woke up looked at myself and said, “I am gonna do this day right.”
I am gonna go and eat food and make a good dinner for the kids. I am gonna go outside and enjoy my few minutes outside before the hustle of the kids. I thought to myself I will put on make up, because I want to. I had enough energy to put my feet on the ground and drive to all my appointments and share this vulnerability. I had a dream that mental health issues would not carry a stigma. I had a vision of people not worrying if they will break down at their desk or in their workplace and when they do people will not stare. I have this passion that as I get better maybe people will reach out to me.
Maybe I can leave a little bit of glitter, a little bit of sparkle where EVER I go. Whether God calls me back to finishing school, whether I move to the Middle East, Whether I build this big beautiful kingdom here, or whether I am just one person in the whole world. I feel like I will have the confidence to know that I am the whole world to one person. So people… it takes time to fight for your life. It takes time to not want to constantly feel like a thousand knifes are shoved into your heart. It takes time to heal from heart break, it takes time to get on the right side of joy. It takes time. Time is all I have had. I still struggle and who knows tomorrow it could all go to crap. Yet I know one thing, I have a purpose and a plan orchestrated by the Creator. So this is my story of redeeming love, being chased down.
These are my up days. These are the days where I can be vulnerable with you. Where the people I am closet to can use to gauge who I am. Today I am a mildly comedic young woman with a healthy dosage of sass. Today I am seeing hope. Today I am wanting to not give up. I pray that this would stay.
I am tired of the hurt and the depression that just stays on my shoulders like a heavy wet blanket. I know that the darkness that comes will soon be over. I am changing who I am to be the best version of the woman that God created me to be.