Dear Friends and Family,
I have a confession: I am lonely. I seek something to fill this gap, something to take away the separation. A cure for the separation that I feel is what I long for. My heart craves negative attention and yearns for the adoration of many. This has been a struggle for many years. I have worn my hair a certain way (because that was acceptable), I have worn clothes either to revealing or too modest, I have spoken a dialogue of hatred or hedonism, I have been scared of relationships, I have been unfaithful to our God, I have been controlling, I have compromised my values. The following sort of hits the nail on the head as a jumping off point for what I am feeling.
“We have a heart problem. We can invite more people into our lives, and we can invite more quality people into our lives, but the problem is that doesn’t take care of the root pain of separation that’s happening there. We have a spiritual heart problem and we don’t need medication, we need a new heart, and that takes a doctor. And so, we have a strong desire to be in intimate fellowship with God and others, but the problem is that we have, at our root, a sin problem that clouds our hearts.”
This past year has been one of the hardest seasons of my life. I can make up thousands of reasons of why, I can blow off the reasons why. God knows I have tried to hide, I have ignored my church family, my friends, and Jesus. I have tried to hide my pain, my sorrow behind rapid changes in my persona. Father forgive me. I had been terribly sad, a physical sad. There is something in my heart a deep craving for more. Yet I cannot get there without contentedness in my soul. Because who I am is not of this world. Yes I have fallen deeply in love with the world, but I do not want that…I want Jesus.
A few months ago I did a flip card testimony with Cru. My flipcard said “I used to seek attention in men” then “Now I find my treasure in Christ.” I was so honest with that stupid piece of paper, yet I could not voice the affect that has had on my life. I crave relationship- that is good. Yet I forgot where that relationship needs to begin. I thought that it could be with anyone, but God intervenes.
God knows my heart as I plead with him. “Give me someone to love forever, to be happy with for all my days.”
He answers back: “Yup here is my Son.”
“But God” I whine
He answers back: *silence* As he watches my heart break over and over. As I wander further and further. My heart hardens. I hurt people in impatience, I run from commitment. I blame. I run. I can’t stand myself.
“You did this” I scream, “God why….” I don’t read my bible, I forgot who I am. I don’t pray.
He replies: “I said, “Here is my Son. Why are you not listening Daughter? Lift up your face… there is no relationship more important than with Jesus. He is never failing, he is what he said he is, he knows you, he loves you, he died for you. He will never forsake you, nor manipulate you, nor hurt or harm you. He will protect you, he will stand in front of you, he is faithful, obedient, kind, content. Molly stop. You have already found the one relationship more important than all others. Stop running. Stop trying so hard slow down. Be patient. Be content. You are in my hands.”
Now the cure to my ailment is found in my heart, once the roots are dug up and thrown out I can heal. I am still trying to figure out the roots of these issue, but my stubborn heart is at the top of the list. I can be lonely…sometimes Jesus went to be alone to pray. He sought solitude to be with the Father. That is what I want to do. Sometimes I can be with people and learn to generate a culture of fellowship. Yet- I must remember first and foremost is my relationship with Christ. Oh to grace how great a debtor – because if I ran on a works based system pretty sure I have used up all my free passes, and I am way over my head unpayable. Hence the reason Christ came to die for me once and for all. Half the time I do not know why I do the things I do. I love people, but that can be wrapped in the guise of flirtatious actions and misunderstood interactions. I know my mistakes could fill books, but God in his amazing mercy gave me Jesus who wipes my slate clean. I have repented and got back up, repented and got back up, and I will continue to repent and get back up. Because sanctification is happening in my life and I will be more and more like Jesus as I seek him. Yet I will never be perfect in this life until I reach heaven.
Now loneliness is a condition of the heart, that can only be satisfied by the one Doctor who knows the very design of the heart he created. He knew this and he sent his son to fill the empty space inside of me. I know this too, but I ignore it. From that came the roots of discontentment, hatred toward myself, lack of control, lack of patience, unmet boundaries, and a plethora of other disagreeable symptoms. So by the power of Christ I yearn to change. I yearn to be whole again.
Thank you Jesus for bleeding and dying on the cross for me a sinner. Thank you for softening my heart to your word and giving me the opportunity to love you deeply. Father mold me into the person you wish me to be. Allow me to continually grow to be more like your son. Allow me to crucify my flesh so I can live out your word daily. God I love you and I thank you for this life. In Jesus’ name. Amen