Dear Church You Hurt Me (Forgiving with Repetence)

For the longest time I have felt that within the walls of the Church I could not be myself. I felt that I had to shape shift into the holy picture that a woman was supposed to be. The gap in my heart got larger as I grew up attending the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church. I admit that I have had the hardest heart toward the people that I grew up with. I thought their ways were barbaric and that their hearts were shallow. I understood that people could hurt and slice me to the bones with words said without malice. I would let every single word take my thoughts captive.

When I was young I grew up to fear God. I grew up to think that my parents believed the same way the people at the OALC did. I have been proven wrong tonight over and over again. I met with someone from that Church who had similar beliefs about faith. They had similar beliefs about sin, sanctification, and love. We talked a lot about what it meant to be a Christian in this terribly broken world.

To be honest I had thought that following Jesus was going to be easy. It was for some time. I became a Christian at sixteen you know. Yet my heart was heavy with many things I could not shake. I knew that I was meant to be something but I could never put my finger on what. I knew that sharing the Gospel was the heart of who I was but my sin and my health got in the way.

I felt as though I had to hide my struggle until it became too real to stifle. I used words of hate toward the OALC because my parents convinced me to believe something that they did not understand themselves. I thought they like other churches were lists of rules and regulations. I have been to plenty of churches on either end. At the OALC you dress simple and plain to free yourself up and divide yourself from what could cause you outside pain. Perhaps think of it this way: If you do not go near the line then you can never gain the confidence to cross it. This means in the way you dress, talk, view the internet, view television, and view other things deemed worldly. You dress up for the church as respect to Jesus and other around, you do not view television because of the awful things on it, you view the internet as the terrain where the enemy can grasp you and pull you under quickly. I have been to a Russian Baptist church where I felt like the image was absolutely everything. The nicer the outfit the closer to God? I felt that. I have been to churches where you sit and sing, where you stand and raise your hands and sing, and I have been to churches that speak in tongues.

What I could not forgive Church goers was the idea that each of you thought in some way you were the highest level of Christian conscious. So I hid like Adam and Eve. I ran away like Jonah not wanting to do what the Lord asked of me. I busied myself so much like Martha. I got drunk and stumbled and completely made mistakes like Noah. I did not live in agape. I lived hidden.

The few times I reached out in ministry or church I felt as though I was betrayed. My confidence was betrayed because I thought for some reason a man would not let me down agian. Yet you did. So I closed up my heart and I left Cru because a woman hurt me so deep that I was afraid to ever touch that again. I cut out everyone who believed in Jesus lately just as I had done in the past because you hurt me. I thought it was different with Christ Followers.

But-

I have forgiven you. I have forgiven the way that some people in various congregations have hurt me. I have decided that leading up to this day I would never forget what had happened that way you could never hurt me. I neglected worship. I am sorry. I neglected community, yet my pastors consistently reached out to me reminding me of love and light that is at the beautiful heart of Christianity. I was reminded that sin runs deep but grace runs deeper. I even after twelve years of fighting decided to forgive my old church. What reminded me to do this was simple. A previous preacher at that church gave me a letter that I wrote when I first became a Christian. Back when I was fresh and clean and ready to pursue the Lord. He has kept this letter for eight years. It went like this.

To be honest when I walked into confirmation I had trouble believing. I had trouble understanding and I even blamed the church and more so Jesus for what has occured in my life. I acted like I belonged in the world, when my heart has been given to Jesus, and I trust that by our nearing of confirmation that my heart lies hidden in Christ exactly where it should be. That I verify my CHristianity. I now understand church and what Jesus did for me. How he died and bled for me. I understand that we are all living in Gods shadow as we may sin and stumble, that our Christian brothers and sisters may lend us a hand in this struggle. That which I have found in you (The Preacher) and my new Christian family. I hope you forgive me for my negetivity, judgements, and know that I trust and love you. You have opened my eyes and awakened my heart. Still keep me in your prayers for I new at this. For my struggles in Christiandom may never cease. Yet I do hope and pray that I go to heaven.

With Love,

Molly

Those are the words of a baby Christian maybe steps into her new life. These are the words of tired, worn out, sad, lonely, discontent, and failing Christian now. I have seen this new day and this new light. My forgiveness is all I have to offer and many of you do not understand what hurt me. I think I may be sensitive. Yet my confidence is no longer put on your shoulders, but I weigh my identity in Christ. Where my heart is finding solace and peace. Where you have been my constant companion in mental health, heartbreak, addiction, and anger. You have listened when nobody would. You have cared like nobody could. You have shown me, Jesus.

I am so sorry.

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Finding a Mood Cure Through Food (Trying out Julia Ross’ Book)

Let’s talk Sugar (And other mood destabilizing foods)

Mood stabilizing food has been on my radar for awhile I recently picked up a book called the “Mood Cure” by Julia Ross. You can get this awesome book on amazon, audible or her website http://www.moodcure.com/. She talks about all the ways our bodies are struggling in different areas whether it is blood sugar, serotonin, thyroid issues, endorphins, or low cortisol. For this experiment, I will be focusing mainly on serotonin as I try to completely abstain from taking medicinal aids for my chronic depression and other struggles in mental health. I will also be monitoring my blood sugar and keeping it at a regulated level so I do not need to add other sugars to my diet apart from natural fruits and vegetables.

Image result for the mood cure

I have been struggling for most of my life with the inability to curb my satisfaction of sugary drinks and overloading myself of caffeine. I would then still be tired and lethargic throughout my days and have to capitalize on that large coffee around four pm on the regular.

 

At twenty I started deep diving into a depression that I can hardly pull myself out. So, of course, my family doctor not a psychiatrist threw so medicine at me. It did not work, but the withdrawals and other side effects kept me complacent in taking the medicine.  Eventually, I was put on a pill regime of taking over five medicines a day. Keeping them organized was hard for me and taking them at the right times would be exhausting. If I was even thirty minutes off it would throw me off.

So recently I picked up a few books and started learning about my diet and how mental health could definitely be an issue with how I am eating.

Molly’s regular diet:

Breakfast:

Toast with egg OR Oatmeal with brown sugar and raspberries

Coffee with Almond Milk

Snack:

Something sugary OR salty

Sugary drink

Lunch:

Sandwich with veggies and fruit

Snack:

Sugar sugar sugar

Dinner:

Meat protein

 

Currently:

 

This diet allows me to curb all of my needs that are to be caffeinated and to have sugar levels that are on par with what I think I need. The truth is humans do not need this much sugar. Imagine when we were hunter/gatherers we would have to search for days or months to find this kind of sugar intake that we have in this modern era. This coupled with my lack of serotonin and lack of sleep from a job that I have been doing is very stressful. So with the stress, I love to stress eat or stress starve. When I stress eat it’s generally snack type foods with simple carbs and high sugar.

Image result for food freedom

Usually to fix serotonin levels you are going to get what I got: SSRI’s or Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. These are the drugs for major depressive disorders or anxiety disorders that people are taking all the time. These are the drugs that are constantly thrown at us targeting the symptoms, but not the root of what is going on.

To break it down serotonin is a neurotransmitter in your brain that treats depression when you lack this depression can overtake our brain. Livingstrong.com comments on serotonin by saying the following: “B complex vitamins, such as thiamine and folic acid, also affect serotonin. Doctors prescribe antidepressants to help raise the brain’s serotonin levels in people suffering from depression. The brain uses the amino acid tryptophan to produce serotonin, as long as the process is not blocked by conflicting amino acids.”

So my thought is that if I want to get better I should start to take supplements that are naturally occurring in the world rather than eating SSRI’s that leave me with brain fog and lack of energy. On top of this, I will add Serotonin Rich foods to my diet.

 

Molly’s New Diet:

Breakfast (8am):

Brown rice with egg

Water to drink

Or

Banana Chocolate Milkshake

Snack:
Cauliflower and broccoli

Strawberries

Water

Lunch (12-1pm):

Lentil Soup

Dark green veggie salad

Water

Snack:

Nuts Medley

Dinner (5-6pm):

Big Salad with Water

The Change Up:

I plan on doing this diet for at least six weeks. Making sure I am eating when I am hungry and adding exercise to boost serotonin. Because I am leaving a job where I constantly working nights I will be able to regulate myself to a healthy sleep pattern that is not causing me more damage. I will be also adding in a regime of different vitamins to add to the various nutrients that are harder to get as a move into a fully vegetarian diet. I choose a vegetarian diet because that is how I feel complete and I actually practiced vegetarianism poorly in my younger years. I also have some feels about the meat industry and how they treat the animals we later consume.

I will also be updating on how my body feels. Currently, I am battling some sort of upper respiratory illness so I am not going to do HIIT or cardio this week but I will do low impact movements, yoga, and pilates. This will allow me to get my hour of physical movement in without working up my body into a coughing fit.

Day One of Week One:

Started out great eating well. I noticed that I gave in a had some decaf coffee with nothing just black. My body received that well but I also need to make sure I am eating more whole foods and not defaulting to snacking.  So, friends, I will update you more on Twitter you can follow me there @mollyelyseurban.

How to Therapy (Facing Depression like a BAMF)

hand

I woke up today to grab my phone and reach out to talk to someone. Just to hear another voice or see another person would have been great. Do you have those days? Where you feel like absolutely nothing matters? Yes- you took your meds all week long. Yes- you went to therapy and got frustrated there was not a “How to Get Better Quick” manual. I would love a manual that tells me how to get better as quickly as possible so I never have to deal with the CRUSHING sad that depression is. It can be the sunniest day outside and everything else is absolutely PERFECT- then you cry yourself to sleep. Perhaps you start listening to sad music and you just start to spiral into self-hate. Man, I wish I looked like her, I miss my long hair, I wish I had a family who understood me, I wish I had people who got this mess, I wish I could be… insert anything you want.

Depressssssssssed. You think it would have better emojis on our phone because we use it all the time. “I am depressed over the Raiders losing (Though you could have guessed it)”, “I am so depressed that I just had a bad break up”, and my favorite “F**K I want to die, THIS WORK OUT SUCKS.” I just think in my head am I doing sad wrong?  In order to be sad, I should be super cute, makeup on, showered, and taking selfies in my cutest outfit with a depressing ass quote. Biiiiiiiiish, you trying to tell me its that easy to just snap out of depression. What am I going to therapy for it is so ridiculous?

Probably because my therapist is where I got to dump all my shit. I just go there park it for an hour on this really comfy couch with this little dog in the corner that sometimes farts and stares at me like, “Man she is screwed up.” Then I do the following I am going to break it down for you. I also added songs that I feel represents each of these moments.

Sigmund Freud, born 6 May 1856 – 23 September 1939) was an Austrian ...

HOW TO THERAPY LIKE A BAMF:

Minutes 0-5

Bullshit and ask each other how we are doing to make sure that we have been being honest with each other about where I am mental health wise. He says, “How is your mother.” Just kidding he is not Freud. He never blames my issues on my Mother surprisingly or my Father which is more surprising. We do this weird banter thing where he reminds me of what he did this weekend which is always kayaking. I am not sure if he is lying to me or not. Probably since he is my Hawaiian hippy therapist.

IDC if you Cry

Minutes 5-10

This is the part he allows me to rant about the presidential elections, people that I am currently angry at, Donald Trump (now), how hot Paul Ryan is (#sorrynotsorry), and a bunch of policy issues I find annoying. Then he tells me, “Are you sure you do not want to go into politics?” This is basically him telling me that this portion of our conversation is ending. He sometimes will nod in agreement and laugh with me. I generally rant for four minutes with his subtle come back at one minute. At this point in therapy, I have moved from sitting on the couch to taking off my shoes and laying on the couch. More Freud jokes are not necessary.

DEAR DONALD THIS FOR YOU

Minutes 10-12

I make sure I mention all the issues really super fast so I can try to dodge questions really quick. He tells me I need to slow down and actually talk about what my feelings are. I then ignore the question for a bit.

i would rather feel nothing

Minute 12-30

I basically sit with him (sometimes I cry or yell). Then we talk about the issues that I am facing. It used to be on a scale of teenage angst to suicide where are you? I used to be a solid 3 out of the 10 scale. Then we talk about inpatient and try to remember all the coping techniques. I always ask, “Is there coping techniques for assholes?” I answer my own question, “Yes, marijuana.” Then he says, “Just kidding.”  I nod. We work on the issues through conversation and he weaves his opinion gently in. I ask for advice and he never gives it to me straight. He makes me WORK THROUGH MY OWN DAMN ISSUES. I get really discouraged because there is absolutely no manual. I also get pissed off when he tells me to go face the people who make me mad. To confront them for their shit. I also have to work on being more in control of myself. Of course, this has been a struggle for a people pleaser like me. Then I admit to three things: Have you followed your plan? Have you stuck to your sense of self? Have you followed your head or your heart?

You want to know the worst part of this session, the fact that sometimes I do not even know the issues he is pulling out of me. I get super upset and want to leave. Then he reminds me of how far I have made it and how nobody is supposed to bring me down. That my existence is freaking spectacular and I have “big shit” coming for me.

I have not a clue what will happen to me in the greater speck of this life, but I know that I just cannot float through life anymore. It already makes me mad when I do that for fun. Depression is sleeping in until noon, depression is hiding from your friends because you do not want to be seen. Depression is watching shows to avoid yourself. Depression is feeling like you should end it all right now. Depression is dropping anger bombs on loved ones because you just want to feel one damn thing. Depression is healable. Depression is livable. Depression is beatable. Depression is treatable. Depression does not have power over you if you take control.

IVE GOT ISSUES

Minutes 30-40

We talk about goals and we also talk about how much time we should spend time working toward them. We talk about hobbies. Usually, I want to leave by this time because it is really hard and I just do not want to put up with his smartass anymore. I am so happy he has laws where he cannot talk about my breed of crazy.

therapybuds

Minutes 40-50

At this point, we are bidding farewell and talking about the future and plans. Then I get a little boost of energy and I want to keep talking. I love this part of the therapy session because I start to think about my future as if it will really happen to me. I look back and realize that in his magic voodoo powers he has taught me some stuff. We spend the rest of the time just going over what plans I have to make sure I will be safe.

Kinda How I Feel

Debrief

I do this in my care. This is usually turning on some music and just sitting there for a minute and processing. I will take notes. I will brush up on some breathing skills if I am anxious. I will go over my goals and make sure I am still following them. I will go over my issues and make sure I avoid them (this is my avoidance, I have since stopped.)

Then I usually turn on my music and talk to myself on the way home. I will have a funeral for someone that I need to let go in my life. I will sit there and realize past arguments. Past relationships that did not work out. Whatever I need to do to make sure I am on track.

Stuck in my brain// Getting Out

Therapy Hell No’s 

Do not lie to your therapist it will not help you get better.

Do not hide your feelings everybody gets sad and down.

If you are feeling suicidal speak the hell up you deserve life.

Do not forget what you learned and apply it always.

Do not skip sessions, I did that and it set me back.

Therapy Yes’s 

Make sure you have a good relationship with the therapist

Make sure you feel comfortable

Make sure they make you comfortable

If they say something “weird” or “off” get another opinion (one dude called me agoraphobic because he thought I was scared to drive right after a car almost hit me in his parking lot.)

Remember you grow out of underwear and you grow out of therapists.

Just talk to them like their God, because they don’t talk back either.

Conclusion

I would like to thank my therapist for putting up with my shit for the past ten months or so. I would like to thank my dear friend Dez for reaching out to me during IOP when I was at my lowest point and for being a cheerleader, and I would like to thank my best buds for actually reaching out and making sure I was okay when you did not have to. When I was at my worst you gave me hope before I stole that light from myself. My inspiration for this piece was the lovely M. Boles who encourages me to tell my story and encourages others with hers every day.

Stay sexy and live.

 

 

 

Thirteen Reasons to Live (A Glimpse into My Story of Mental Health)

When I was nine years old I started to realize that I was not perfect. Funny how it took me that long to feel these things. I started to look in front of the mirror and consume hours of television. I would hear words like “hot”, “sexy”, or “beautiful” thrown about at pretty girls with thin bodies and absolutely no boobs. I was instantly like that is what I am going to look like.

Until Middle School came around and I started growing boobs. I got bigger in the chest and added curves to my body. I looked in the mirror and said, “I am hideous.” Then some loved ones said, “Wow you are so chubby.” Then this show said, “Jump in front of a mirror and everything that jiggles LOSE.” Then my friends at school said their weight. Then I saw this. What in the world was I suppose to do. My belly did not look like that. My hair was not looking like that. bspears.jpg

So I remember being young and getting on the computer really stealthily. I found these websites called “ProAna.” I even had met a girl on a website and we were supposed to be partners in our fight to be skinny. My mental health was at risk here but I was around people who were not equipt to handle this.She survived off of energy drinks and I threw up everything that came into my body. I was twelve. I wrote lists of who I was supposed to be. I wanted to be ninety pounds. I wanted to look dainty and frail. So I kept throwing up. One day my mom caught me. Yet instead of feeling worried I was reprimanded. So I kept doing it and was just pretending not to be hungry. My mental health was steadily going down hill. Then people would get upset. So I went back to throwing up. Taking a bath right after dinner to throw up. Pushing my limits daily to see how little I could consume. Making up goals in my head. Then losing and bingeing on a bunch of food to then purge.

pro_ana.jpgI was determined to look thin and thought that would make me happy. I kept throwing up and watching what I ate. Making rules that I would only eat in front of people. That way they always saw me eating. I then started to feel this numbness crawl up into my soul. Depression was the mental illness that begins to fester there until the moment I realized it was actually consuming my life. I was sitting on a bus somewhere in Costa Rica. I looked out at a beautiful meadow filled with sheep and beautiful bushes. I did not feel a damn thing. Not a feeling of where I was. Not a feeling of how cool it must have been to be there. Not a feeling of anything. I remember smiling all the time. I remember hiding in my room all the time and being like “cry damn it, feel something.” I just could not feel anything. So I took a knife I found in the house and I pressed it against my skin. I had done it before just when I was angry. I had cut my skin in patterns when I was upset. I had gotten yelled at it for my apparent need to cut did not matter to me I thought all people did it. The more I did not eat and the more I self-harmed the more I got into feeling okay. My mental health deteriorated further.11130492_10206524943261884_4522816477615052112_o.jpg

Can you spot the self-harm? Here I am at nineteen. Where I was told how to live, how to act, how to be. Where I was going to get married. Where I was going to college that I hated. Where I was going to be somehow perfect. I found laid down my spirituality and picked up Jesus. That was supposed to save my life. That was supposed to make me feel better. Yet I still had scars on my wrists, cuts on my arm, and thighs. I still felt empty and unsatisfied. I still struggled with my identity. Still did not want to eat anything. I still was smiling though. So I look like a brilliantly happy girl. I was chatty. I was happy. I participated in a hundred different things: modeling, politics, environmental conservation, volunteering, kids, Cru, blogging, and church. I told people how I was feeling. Yet they just did not want to hear it.

So in August of 2016, I started writing my own Thirteen Reasons Why. I wrote them in my head and never on a piece of paper. I did not glamorize it nor really think of it as reasons for suicide. Mine were not people. In fact, all of my reasons were feelings.

 

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At this point, I was utterly alone in my thoughts. I began to drink heavier, speak less, lose interest in all the things that I loved. I started to push everyone away. I was involved in ministry and went overseas. There I felt alive. I was alone, but I was alive. I met a woman there who inspired me. She played with fabrics and taught at the college I was at. I just felt a soul connection. I wanted to be like her. I came home and slipped away again. I began to cry myself to sleep. I sat at the end of my bed and pretended like it was a cliff. In three seconds you could jump. I planned out my death. I would make it convenient for everyone. No mess. No hurt (I thought.) I planned on going to a picnic and then hugging my friends for the last time. I planned on calling my family and telling them I loved them. I was done. My mental health almost stole my life.

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Do you know what it feels like to be at your wits end? I did. I do. I could not just idly sit by anymore. Regardless of what my family thought of how I was handling things. Regardless of the days that getting up were hard. Regardless of who said negative things to me. Regardless of the issues, I had in my personal life. Regardless of who loved me and who did not. Regardless of the pain. I do not believe I got better because I worked on myself. I believe I got better because I reached out for help. I could not do it on my own. I was ready to go. I was ready to do anything to leave this life. To be honest, sometimes those dark thoughts creep back in a lot of the time. When I am on my medicine it is better for my mental health they say. Yet I lack my creativity. I lack my sense of self when I am on them. People say you cannot control bipolar disorder by yourself, I know that to be true so I took to seeing a great therapist. Sometimes I would be on medicine where I would see shit that was not there. Yet usually I am just paranoid. I will always work myself up that someone is following me. Yet I just know it’s not actually there. I have a really long way to go until I am good. Like this is just me getting to know myself. So I have to give you my thirteen reasons to live.

  1. You are human who deserves life
  2. Hope does not happen in death
  3. People love you and I do
  4. You have a purpose like a daisy out of concrete
  5. You are a go-getter and you will not give up
  6. There are beautiful people along the way trust me
  7. You can change your circumstances
  8. If you do not have support from your family it does not make you unworthy
  9. You looks have nothing to do with your heart
  10. Your voice is still your voice even when it trembles
  11. There is a difference between happy and joy and the difference is one is conditional.
  12. There are some shitty things in this earth and you are one thing that is not
  13. Your mind is valuable and we need you.

I am okay. I say that I am okay because I am not at one hundred percent. I do not function as well as some people. I am still figuring out this mental health thing as I go. I am still figuring out that crying is good therapy. Shit, I am figuring out that boobs are great. Your ass is fine. You can be loud. You can be whatever the hell you want to be. I just know that I do not want to be sad. I realized that I like things. So take that mental illness and shove it up your ass.

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5 Ways to Beat Your Sad (There is a difference from Depression)

I can tell you from experience that depression is truly hard to overcome. This is because once you are in over your head you begin to flounder. Interests begin to fade into the distance, the lethargic feelings set in and you begin to stay in one spot. Depression sits on you like a cold, wet blanket in the middle of a forever winter. You cannot figure out a way to get out from underneath that. Many times over we neglect to understand that we can get out of these feelings. Taking precautions to what triggers us is a huge way to implement self-care. Taking time to talk to a professional will catch you in the act of some behaviors. It is okay to take medication when you need it, do people without glasses feel the same without them? Also, it is perfectly fine to tell others about your struggles. You are going to open up a dialogue to where people see that mental health is okay. Yet- if you are not receiving health and well-being practices through self-care and neglecting yourself to just complain that must stop. There is a huge difference between what is sad and what is depression.

Remember that sadness is a normal human emotion. We have cycles where we will get upset about the events that are occurring in the news. We will cry over the beloved friend, lover, or death of someone. Sadness is triggered by a betrayal, disappointment, hurt, or angst within your life that you did not see coming or maybe ignored.

Depression, on the other hand, is abnormal, and effects are mental, physical, and emotional well being. Like I said above it is chronic like a wet blanket, unshakable by ourselves occasionally. This is where we must express where we are at, ask for help, and try self-care.  You lack the pleasure in the things you once felt delighted in, you start neglecting duties that you once held dear, and you sleep all the time. This lack of self-preservation is so detrimental, yet we are consumed by it.

The best ways to make sure that you are working on being happy will be the following lessons I have learned, researched, and asked the therapists I have seen.

  1. Mindfulness: The practice that my therapist taught me is using something like the app Headspace, or you could find some extra meditation podcasts and a list of apps here that way you can find something that works for you. The practice of mindfulness does not need to be spiritual, it can be interpersonal. You are reflecting on yourself inwardly. A basic way to do this without an app is to lay down or in a comfortable position and breath in deeply for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds, hold for four seconds and repeat. Concentrating on the way you breath moves in and out. Thinking positively about yourself and willing good energy to come to you. Trust me there is a power in the words we think!
  2. Exercise: Sometimes I just like to do pilates and yoga for long hours into the night when I get worried or anxious, then I figured out if I did not pick up the “depression” binge I could do the same thing with my sad. What I do is say “Not today sad you are not welcomed here I am blessed.” I start that mantra and say it over and over again until I either cry or believe it’s true. My favorite thing to do is work out from home. My yoga practice is not the best, but my girl Britty  (you may know her from a past post) has given me the courage to keep actually trying. Occasionally I dream of being able to run until I collapse because for some reason that is really romantic to me.
  3. Get Social: Stop looking at all your friends out with other friends. Being social on social media. Go out there and sit at a bar alone or the beach. For heaven’s sake’s introducing yourself to the Barista would be great, or a new neighbor you have not met. Just make sure you are taking the time to actively talk to another person. It reminds us that we are living and breathing and that transforms us from sad to happy.
  4. Ugly Cry: Men, women, boys, girls, or whatever you identify with you can cry. It does not have to be pretty. You can sit and cry in front of the mirror and just let your tears fall. Let them naturally come out do not induce it with sad music, movies. or hate speech to yourself. Just cry yourself lovingly back to happy. It allows endorphins to flood our system and generates better feelings because you are no longer holding the ick inside. When we hold all of our hurts inside it generally makes us feel like we no longer have a purpose and girlfriend, boyfriend you do.
  5. Stab a Pillow: One time my therapist was just like, “We are going to draw pictures of beautiful little flowers,” and then at the end of drawing them and taking forever he said, “stab them!” We looked at each other why? Why should we stab the beauty? Therefore when we are feeling sad and we want to self-harm the best way to thwart those gross feelings is to transfer that hurt somewhere else. Crumple some dead leaves, shake a jar full of glitter, hold an ice cube, draw on yourself, and check back in ever so often. People on crime shows (NCIS) said “Watch your 6” like watch your back. I mentally and emotionally do that by checking my trains. There is a thoughts, feelings, and urges train and I do an inner inventory of what I need to do to calm down.

You know we are never going to be 10 out of 10 every day. That would be considered manic and I will tell you what mania is not a fun way to live. You have dangerous energy that does not make you very safe. A good benchmark of where your mood should be is right around a 6 or 7. If it dips too low like past a 4 that is probably a sign you need to start implementing some self-care or go see a therapist that you know and trust. Mine is hilarious and sometimes I forget I am even at therapy. I feel as though I am comfortable, understood, not judged, and treated with dignity.

Okay friends I saw this cute pin it read, “Don’t be moody and shake your booty” so lets do that.

Love and Light

7 Things 21 Taught Me

1. You Need to Take Care of Yourself

You absolutely cannot put off taking care of yourself regardless of what people around you will think. Your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health are more important than your schooling, job, or any other commitment you have. Trust me you can repay those loans you took out, your job will understand, and your holistic health will thank you for the long run. It hurts to make big decisions like this in the moment because you are fearing failure.

2. It is Okay to Fail

All of my failures and missteps have surprisingly come together for the good. I have strengthened relationships and built up ideas. I have let myself down when I did things that I should not have done. Sometimes failing is the best way to learn

3. Heartbreak Will Happen

You will get your heartbroken throughout your life and it will hurt. There will be those cry at the picture moments when you just stay up all night long after you slammed the door on him and cry. You will see his face and the memories will flood in and it will always hurt, but you will get over it and come out way stronger.

4. You Do Not Have to Have it All Figured Out

You do not even need a plan for the next twenty years, in fact, you have already done enough. You are present and you are trying to do what you love. You will make things happen and those things will lead to other goals. You will have something to build your dreams off of.

5. Do Not Compare Yourself to Social Media

You are not your friend’s social media account, in fact, you are something far different than that you are yourself. You will show the pride and joy of your life and you will be celebrated. Just make sure that you take time away from the screen and focus on in-person relationships and your fun times.

6. Nights are Way Better than Drunken Nights

Who cares about the hype around the drugs and the alcohol. If you do it right you can actually sip a drink and play some pool and actually remember your memories. You do not have to get in fights with your ex or call him over in the middle of the night. In fact, you will probably just draw in on the already crazy thoughts you have in your head. Alcohol is also a depressant and if you are like me and you have anxiety and depression it will worsen your condition.

7. You Can Have Different Opinions than Your Friends, Parents, Religious Affiliation, and ANYONE else.

You are allowed to have your own thoughts and your own feelings on matters of politics, religion, and life. You are an individual that is learning the path of life and that is purely between you and the creator. You are called to a different path than your friends and you are learning new things every day that is shaping you and changing you.